[Those words are so familiar: you survived for a reason. Carlisle used to tell himself that all the time, always feeling the need to justify his continued existence despite his affliction. He would find that reason eventually, he told himself back then, and through his service to his goddess, all would be made clear. Pouring himself into his work, he hoped to find his place among his bloodline while appealing to the Clarity's mercy. He'd been so uncharacteristically optimistic about his healing, so proud of it; he was a failure in so many regards, but with his one talent, he would make everything right. Everything would be fine in the end, wouldn't it?
No, no it wasn't. It absolutely wasn't fine.
He can't say he ever did find his place, truly, nor can he say if his goddess had any pity upon him. He doesn't know if it's even possible now that he's worlds away from his home and his deity, existing as a monster parading in a human skin, afraid of dying again and being reborn as something even worse. Surely his goddess would be disgusted with him, with what he's become, with what he did. His father would be. What kind of a Longinmouth is he now? Was he ever fit to be one? Was there ever any hope, or did he suffer and cause suffering for no reason?
That spiral of embittered self-defeat is so easy to fall into, especially when it's ingrained in a Revenant's very being. He once felt that seclusion was the only choice for the good of the people of Bear Den, living alone in his estate rather than among them, but his isolation did him no favors when it came to battling his demons. It did even worse when it came to his actual death.
If nothing else, it is nice to hear someone has faith in him, even if he assumes Genji may be woefully overestimating his capacity for good. Given he disfigured one of the few people who would stand for him, Carlisle can't find it in him right now to believe in himself. He barely could when he was alive, using his abilities for prosperity and health of Bear Den; he certainly can't now that he's an affront to his former humanity.
Glancing Genji's way, he's honestly surprised by what's revealed when the mask is removed -- it seems they are both hiding something beneath their outer layers, scars and malformations that now define who they are. Genji has spoken before about overcoming his turmoil, about moving past it with the help of his master. Perhaps that's why he's so reassuring: he, too, has seen a bitter end, and has managed to move forward from it.
Carlisle isn't sure if he has such strength. Fortitude is more characteristic of other members of his bloodline: his brawny Uncle Boris, his stoic father, even his charismatic Uncle Benistad with his multitude of magics. Carlisle has always been a coward, content to live in their shadows, undeserving because of his affliction. He only stepped into the position as head of the estate because he was forced to by being the only Longinmouth left, and even then, it was with reluctance.
In short, he struggles with his self-worth. He has always struggled with his self-worth, and nothing that has happened since his awakening as an undead has changed that. He's afraid of what he is; he's equally afraid of what he could be if he doesn't get himself and all that entails under control.
His eyes are still on Genji when he finds his voice.]
Just RIP MY HEART INTO PIECES WHY DON'T YOU
No, no it wasn't. It absolutely wasn't fine.
He can't say he ever did find his place, truly, nor can he say if his goddess had any pity upon him. He doesn't know if it's even possible now that he's worlds away from his home and his deity, existing as a monster parading in a human skin, afraid of dying again and being reborn as something even worse. Surely his goddess would be disgusted with him, with what he's become, with what he did. His father would be. What kind of a Longinmouth is he now? Was he ever fit to be one? Was there ever any hope, or did he suffer and cause suffering for no reason?
That spiral of embittered self-defeat is so easy to fall into, especially when it's ingrained in a Revenant's very being. He once felt that seclusion was the only choice for the good of the people of Bear Den, living alone in his estate rather than among them, but his isolation did him no favors when it came to battling his demons. It did even worse when it came to his actual death.
If nothing else, it is nice to hear someone has faith in him, even if he assumes Genji may be woefully overestimating his capacity for good. Given he disfigured one of the few people who would stand for him, Carlisle can't find it in him right now to believe in himself. He barely could when he was alive, using his abilities for prosperity and health of Bear Den; he certainly can't now that he's an affront to his former humanity.
Glancing Genji's way, he's honestly surprised by what's revealed when the mask is removed -- it seems they are both hiding something beneath their outer layers, scars and malformations that now define who they are. Genji has spoken before about overcoming his turmoil, about moving past it with the help of his master. Perhaps that's why he's so reassuring: he, too, has seen a bitter end, and has managed to move forward from it.
Carlisle isn't sure if he has such strength. Fortitude is more characteristic of other members of his bloodline: his brawny Uncle Boris, his stoic father, even his charismatic Uncle Benistad with his multitude of magics. Carlisle has always been a coward, content to live in their shadows, undeserving because of his affliction. He only stepped into the position as head of the estate because he was forced to by being the only Longinmouth left, and even then, it was with reluctance.
In short, he struggles with his self-worth. He has always struggled with his self-worth, and nothing that has happened since his awakening as an undead has changed that. He's afraid of what he is; he's equally afraid of what he could be if he doesn't get himself and all that entails under control.
His eyes are still on Genji when he finds his voice.]
What reason did you have? For surviving?