abheirrant | ❧ i n b o x

It is not theory. I can still heal.

[He has to believe that, lest he start to believe he has no value at all.]

The rest is all relatively new.

[ This guy really is allergic to straight answers, isn't he? Ben sighs, pinches the bridge of his nose. No lecture for now. He doubts it would help anyone. ]

I'm sorry to hear showing up here's screwed with your powers. Might be a good idea to figure out your limits for sure. Stop any more surprises from happening when you don't want them to.

[ Then, because he's not fucking made of stone, he adds: ]

Probably not a big surprise to hear I'm not a stranger to powers that can go really wrong if you're not careful.
If you ever need anybody to talk to or to help you.
I'm around.
Thank you for coming when we needed you, and helping my friend.

[It's much easier to hide his frustration with himself behind text, unfortunately.]

I appreciate your concern. Frankly, I am surprised you would offer, given the trouble I put you all through. I did not even finish the job.

[Then again, maybe Ben is doing the same as he is: letting the distance of and lack of emotion in text hide how he feels.]

[ Ben had been a little surprised at himself, honestly, but Carlisle's surprise and questioning it only strengthens his conviction. He can be quite contrary at times. ]

There's nothing shameful about needing help. If dealing with fucked up powers my whole life means I'm in a position where I can help you, now that your powers have gotten fucked up, that's a bit of good luck. I'm not gonna hold a grudge because you tried and things went wrong.

[ And if someone with Carlisle's abilities is going to be living in the same small community as him, Ben would rather him be supported and trained and helped rather than left isolated and unguided, to cause some new chaos the next time things get hectic. ]

[Unfortunately, Carlisle has largely lived his life in isolation. As bringers of misfortune, the twice-cursed are best kept at a distance, if left alive at all -- that is the nature of his affliction, or so the world he comes from believes. While he would never begrudge someone for asking for help, he's reluctant to do the same, partially because he's convinced he's not worth the effort, and partially because he already feels like the failure of his family line. His father and uncles would have been able to handle any problem themselves.

Of course, they're no longer around, are they? His sigh thankfully doesn't translate into text.]

What makes you believe you can help me?

I don't know if I can or not. I'm just willing to try.

[ He doesn't want to give Carlisle any false hope. He's not promising anything. Only saying he isn't going to avoid the situation and hope for the best. ]

I mean, you saw what I can do. I've had these powers my whole life. I had to learn to keep them in check and how to make them useful and not just a total nightmare.

[ Ben's doing his best to be realistic and honest here but he's definitely going to just neglect to mention that almost all of his training was extremely abusive and fucked up and honestly his powers are still mostly a nightmare. He's going for a positive outlook here. He's really trying. ]

It's up to you. I'm not going to pressure you. Just think about it. And take care of yourself, okay? I know you said you're adjusting, but that black shit you were spitting up looked really painful.

[Already tired of this stranger assuming he knows anything about his affliction, Carlisle is ready to hang up right then and there; however, he does feel he owes it to Ben to be at least willing to hear him out. After all, Ben might not know his exact nature -- as a twice-cursed or an undead -- but he's witnessed some of Carlisle's more sordid abilities. Raising monsters, spreading the blight, controlling the living and the dead: he could tell others. He might let everyone in Anchor know the abomination living among them, hiding in a human skin.]

I will consider your offer, but I am already taking steps to deal with this particular problem. If you wish to help, convincing Mr. Kieran to let me finish my work would spare me some grief.

[ Fair's fair - if the guy says he's taking steps, Ben has no reason to disbelieve him, or to doubt that it will work. Hopefully it does, because he could go a lifetime without seeing aberrations like those horrible corpse monsters again.

But he does clarify: ]

Listen: I wish you the best of luck at fixing the problem, truly. But it was a specific kind of help I was offering.

I'm not going to tell my friend to trust you until I'm convinced you're worthy of it and no longer a threat. No offense.

[He bites back his immediate response, grateful for the delay provided by this method of communication.]

You would prefer him to stay blind?

[ Well there it was! The last straw. Ben's patience only stretches so far.

(Maybe Cole was right, about these devices making people more cruel to one another. Ben will think about that, later. but for now he's right in the middle of his own anger and he has blinders on to anything over than his indignation.) ]

You yourself admitted that you put us all at risk the last time. You know I don't want that. Please don't take your temper out on me like a child because you're angry at yourself for fucking it up the first time. I would rather Kieran be alive and blind than rotted or reanimated or mind-controlled or whatever else might happen if you push yourself too hard a second time.

[That makes two of them losing their tempers as Ben calls him out on all the horrible things he can do all at once. So much for trying to keep his composure, but being accused of necromancy -- even accidental -- by some near-stranger sends him right past the breaking point.]

He was in no danger of dying and reanimating in my hands. I am a healer, not some monster who would throw you into mortal peril on purpose. I released my channel prematurely to prevent that.

[ Ben is pretty sure that Kieran was in danger of just that, actually. If that horrible corpse creature had gotten a chance, it would have killed them all. And then, likely as not, they would have become part of it, or monsters separately. Carlisle can say there was no danger all he wants, now. But it doesn't change facts. ]

I was there. You can't tell me there was no danger, now. I know what I saw.

I believe you that it wasn't on purpose. I believe you still want to be the healer you used to be. And I absolutely DO NOT think you are a monster.

But I don't think you're safe for people to be around right now. Not until you work your shit out.

[Carlisle will step back and bury himself in his guilt once his fury has cooled. For now, he keeps bickering, too irritated to examine his own argument for more than a second.]

You think I'm not taking precautions? That I would not have avoided the situation entirely unless I were called for? What would you have me do, stay in my quarters? There are people there too.

Why would I think that? You've given me no evidence thus far that you have done anything concrete to prevent that from happening again, or that you are someone with an ounce of discipline or self-control. Your temper tantrum's not really convincing me of your scrupulousness, I gotta say.

I hope you figure your shit out, I really do. But I'm not going to tell Kieran, who has been through enough already, to ignore his completely justified misgivings and let you try to prove yourself on him like he's some kind of guinea pig. And you snapping at me isn't going to change my mind.

My offer to help stands. But if you don't want my help, at least work on helping yourself. Or it'll only be a matter of time before something like that happens again.

[Carlisle has a hundred things he'd like to say -- that Kieran wasn't some experiment, that he knows now exactly what he needs to do to finish the job, that he's not having a temper tantrum (which he is), that he's working on 'figuring his shit out' and has a dozen reasons why it's a more complicated endeavor than he likes to admit -- but given the fact he's rotting a spot in the floor the more he feels himself slipping into that embittered, Revenant nature, he opts instead to throw the phone across the room.

Hopefully, he'll have his shit together by the next time they cross paths, because while he's taking steps currently toward that, he's not there yet.]

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