abheirrant | ❧ i n b o x

[He was helping people -- an important distinction. Pleased as it may make him when someone speaks well of his craft, Carlisle can't help but be a little sour on it at the moment, given what he's done both in Anchor and in Bear Den. Healing may have been his natural calling, but his gift for it has backfired in a horrific way. He can't prove it -- even if he returned to Bear Den, everyone he could possibly ask about what truly happened to the town would still be long gone -- but why else would the Blight Heir be able to raise those around him into undeath unless he had the capacity for necrotic arts when alive? Healing and necromancy were two sides of a coin, opposing uses of the same energy.]

There is nothing wrong with being a healer. The problem is that I was a healer, much to my father's dismay. It was not what he had hoped for the only heir of our bloodline.

[Maybe his father was right: he would have been better off honing a different skill, any skill. At least then, maybe things would have been better once he passed, his Revenant being far less of an abom—

Carlisle shakes his head, knowing he will never assuage that guilt, and unsure if he'll ever learn to accept what he is now -- what he's become. It's difficult when he hardly sees himself as a person anymore, but he has to try. He owes those who still have some faith in him -- Genji included -- that much.]

What did he wish of you instead?

[He frowns, hanging the washed gloves and mask over a bar to start drying.]

Is this common for all fathers? Nothing I did was up to my father's standards either. Nor my brother's. Though he is the heir, not I.

[Genji didn't want it. Hanzo did. That seemed a simple solution to him. But apparently their wants didn't matter.]

Being skilled as a healer seems like something to be proud of. At least you did not run your family name into the sewers with parties and dishonorable endeavors.

[Like Genji did.]

[Carlisle lets out a single, sad laugh; the idea of him ruining the Longinmouth name with parties is an impossibility, given his uncle Benistad's numerous liaisons, both romantic and otherwise.]

No, not with parties and dishonorable endeavors. I did my best to uphold my family's reputation in life, despite my affliction and my failings. It was after my death that my ran my family name so far into the ground that it might have been buried there. My father would have preferred I became a proper heir, someone who could fight and defend our lands from the scourge of the undead. Instead, I rose as one of them, as a being known as the Blight Heir. He could draw both the living and the dead under his thrall, and when the former died, unable to resist his whims, they were raised as well.

[His hands tremble; he clasps them together to still them. He hasn't talked about this so openly with anyone, generally unable to formulate how he feels about his having been such an abomination. So few realize he is undead, much less know what he became, and what atrocities he committed. He still wants to consider the Blight Heir as someone else entirely rather than accepting that the actions of his Revenant are a part of him now.

He cannot move forward until he accepts the truth, unfortunately. It's difficult, and he's sure Genji knows it. He, too, was once something he now resents.]

[Maybe it's better that Genji's dishonorable actions could be feasibly explained away as the folly of youth and a spoiled entitlement that came from being his father's favorite. He didn't do anything against his will, all his choices were his own. Even to become the cyborg that he is now.]

Were you aware of what you were doing? That sounds as if forces outside your control were at work.

[Carlisle's eyes flick to Genji, his frustration with himself evident in a look alone; it mirrors that in his voice.]

Does it truly matter? Whether I was aware or not does not change what happened, nor does it bring back the dead. It does not erase from history the burden I placed upon those around me, the damnation of the Longinmouth name, the horrors I committed. But—

[And there is a but, one he didn't mean to let slip, but escapes in his irritation regardless. He continues -- no taking it back, either.]

... but I fear that, in accepting all that I've done, I will see myself as the monster I always believed myself to be. As more of a monster than I am even now. And- and I feel that, should that happen, I will lose what little humanity I have left.

Accepting what you've done does not doom you to that forever. If that were the case than no one would ever be able to change or grow - they'd become stagnant.

Do monsters self-reflect on what they have done? Is that not the most human thing of all?

[Granted Carlisle means a literal monster which is different, and Genji doesn't have all the context here. But if he can forgive his brother for cutting off all his limbs, then Carlisle can forgive himself for being cursed.]

[He thinks to argue that he is already stagnant: he's dead, as unmoving as the water in a blighted bog; he considers bickering that he should be doomed to being a monster forever, for if those he wronged cannot change, why should he be allowed to? However, Genji brings up a good point -- not just that, but words it almost identically to something he said time and time again to those coming to confess at his church.]

Remorse is why we are not monsters; it is what separates us from aberration and undeath. Those which can feel are worthy of living, and therefore have a place 'neath her waking eye. [He smiles that lopsided grin, embarrassed and ashamed.] I would do well to remember such tenets, wouldn't I?

[But it has always been so much harder to follow his own advice than it has been to give it to others. They could change, but he was damned to languish on the border of life and death; they could be forgiven, and he couldn't. All the amends in the world would not save him.

... and yet, he did not give up trying to make them. Even now, undead as he is, he wants to still fix Kieran's eyes, despite the danger it poses him to utilize his energies in such a way; he wants to apologize to Pratt, though he fears rejection from someone whose opinion he genuinely cares about. He hopes Qubit can help him mitigate his abilities so that he is not a danger to everyone around him, stranger or otherwise. He has made some acquaintances, maybe even friends; he is legitimately trying to accept what he is so that he can move forward. Within his many layers and animated frame is a man who desperately wants to help, who wants to be more than he currently is.

He wants to be human, and regrets what the Blight Heir did. That should count for something, and would if Carlisle would allow it.]

[The words are recited as if it's some sort of spiritual mantra, a tone that he recognizes from his time in the monastery. There's even some familiarity there, the waking eye, we are all one beneath the iris - maybe they have some similar beliefs.]

Precisely. But I know it is hard to do so, to apply such things to yourself when they seem better suited to others.

All we can do is continue to try - maybe eventually there will be acceptance. And then redemption, and that is all we can ask for.

I suppose it is all we can ask for. I was given neither acceptance, nor redemption in life, but... perhaps that is because I sought it from others rather than myself.

[And frankly, he thinks he has a better chance getting his aloof goddess' attention than finding forgiveness for his failings within his own embittered heart; however, it's clear he will never find solace if he doesn't search at all. Would he have done better to have accepted his affliction sooner, living life to the fullest rather than in constant fear of himself? Would he have been less remorseful about what happened to his family if he'd allowed himself to grieve rather than blaming himself for being cursed? Would he have had any lingering regrets at all upon his death, enough to animate him as a Revenant?

He does not know; he cannot know. He must accept that those are questions to which he will never know the answers rather than allowing himself to become mired in the doubts of what-ifs. That's the most challenging task of all, and one he's not sure he's up for.

But he will try. He must.]

What started as simply laundry day has given me much to consider. Much to reflect upon.

The simplest tasks are often the most important.

[He smiles softly as he dries off his hands and starts sliding the armor back down over his arm.]

My Master used to say that often, and I never truly understood. I suppose hearing it and experiencing it are different.

I hope one day I shall be able to tell him I finally get it.

[Carlisle does his best not to stare, but he can't help his interest in how the armor slides down over Genji's arm, the plates fitting together so perfectly.]

Let us hope you are taken back to him, and that he is not brought here.

[It took a long time to get to this, his previous armor came off in chunks and it took him forever to get into and out of it.]

He would probably enjoy this, he likes adventures and new experiences. Meeting new people.

[Genji can actually picture Zenyatta floating around exclaiming: How wonderful! at basically everything here.]

I, however; would rather it be as you hope.

Do you live with him? Your master.

[Tell him all about your home, Genji. Anything to take his mind off himself for a minute.]

I did for a time. He lived in Nepal high up in a temple in the mountains.

There is still a room for me should I desire to return.

[With his worldly possessions: some clothes, a photo, the sword his brother used to cut him to pieces...]

It was so peaceful there. Tranquil. The first time I truly felt as though I was myself and not a hybrid of two disparate things.

A temple? Like a church, then?

[He recalls that Genji did say his master was a monk of some sort, a follower of a god he doesn't recognize. He wonders what kinds of gods the other worlds have, and if they are as aloof as his own.]

Yes. A monastery.

[He's almost about to explain the whole: omnics contemplating their existance thing - when he remembers who he's talking to and doesn't want Carlisle to have an aneurysm thinking about a monastery of robots. ]

It is more to study life and all its aspects rather than worshiping a deity. I thought perhaps they could find who I was. And it was helpful, but the true soul searching I must do myself. There are no easy routes.

[Good call, Genji. Technology is still scary to him, despite the fact he's now entrenched in it. He's just glad his new ninja friend isn't all cogs and gears under the armor.]

No one can truly decide who you are but you. I thought I learned that early in life, but... [He lets out a quiet sigh, his eyes back on his bony hands as he considers how he views himself now, struggling to differentiate between being a man or a monster.] I suppose I need to revisit and reflect upon it once more, as I seem to have forgotten the lesson.

[He is zero percent gears or cogs, but he is approximately 60% wires. It's fine, it means he gets cool lights.]

It is different when it comes to yourself. I understand.

We both have a lot to think on.

Yes, we do.

[He sighs, collecting his gloves and mask to hang them to dry in his room. It is different when it comes to following his own advice, but it's something he'll have to work on. He has time now, surely... so long as he doesn't revert back to being the Blight Heir.

And he won't if he can get a grip on his energies. One step at a time.]

Thank you, Genji. If- if there is ever anything I can do for you, you need only ask. I... appreciate your help, and your insight.

You have already helped me.

[He gestures to his laundry going round and round.]

But I am glad to have helped you as well. It is good to not be alone.

[Have a genuine smile, Genji: it's soft, but a rare sight these days, given he's so often covered by his mask. He supposes he did help a little, at least with the laundry.]

Indeed it is. I suppose I need only remember that for now, and try to find strength in it.

[Monstrous as he may feel, he still has someone who believes in his underlying humanity. It's more faith than he's had at other points in his life, and it will have to be enough for now.]

❧ i n b o x

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