abheirrant | ❧ i n b o x

—pposed to know when to start speaking? That wasn't a very thorough explanation on what I'm to do this, now was it? Hello? Hello? Are you listening to me? Are you even still ther—

[beep]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

arcadedragon

No? Why not?

[Carlisle has already said that he overextended his energies. He's the one that's injured, not Genji. He's not sure why Carlisle wouldn't want to be around others, unless he's truly trying to hide any injury. That would make sense.]

I will not tell anyone of your weakened condition. You have my word.

From:

abheirrant

It's not that.

[His answer escapes him in a rush; his hands are back to trembling as he reaches beneath his veil, unfastening his mask from the body of his gambeson. He forces himself to keep talking, to explain. A part of him is still afraid Genji will immediately see him as the threat to the people of Anchor that he is. Why wouldn't he?]

It- it isn't safe.

[Why hasn't he already?]

It isn't safe for others.

[Why hasn't anyone? And if they have, why haven't they done something?]

From:

arcadedragon

You think you are a danger to everyone else?

[He wrings out one of the gloves, running the fabric between his fingers while he thinks about it.]

Are you? Or do you just perceive yourself to be?

From:

abheirrant

[Carlisle falls silent, staring at his skeletal hands. Many images and incidents from Anchor alone come to mind as he considers the answer: is he a danger, or does he just perceive himself to be?

He thinks of meeting Poison in the baths, of rot spreading all around him as he lost his temper; she backed away from him that day, and wisely so. She knew him before, but neither of them knew who he was then.

As a twice-cursed, Carlisle lived the majority of his life under the perception he was a danger to everyone around him. They were said to be the harbingers of misfortune, a plague on those who would tolerate their existence; their curse would taint the very world around them, as well as those who lived there. People have told him otherwise, but it was always hard to believe anything but the old superstitions when he lost so much. His father died only months after he was cursed, and his uncles vanished years after, leaving him alone. He spent his days in service of his goddess, hoping it would mitigate what he was.

He thinks of the undead swarming Qubit, of how he'd spurred them into action without ever knowing. He recalls the skeletons rising all around them, of how his ignorance of what he was capable of could have ended badly for the technomancer, a man he considers more than a casual acquaintance -- a man who has done nothing but try to help him.

In the end, everything he'd done to preserve his family's legacy and his beloved home hadn't mattered at all. Bear Den was worse because he'd been tolerated, allowed to be despite his affliction. There is nothing left of his town save for the knowledge that he brought it to ruin. The Blight Heir is now as synonymous with Bear Den as the Longinmouths had been, and there's no amount of diligence and duty that can change that.

He thinks of Kieran and Ben being attacked by a monstrous aberration of his own making, the trees around them withering and dying as he draws energy from them; he thinks of Pratt, his friend, the flesh of his hand necrolysing before them both.

It had been mostly perception before, when he was alive. There is no doubt he is a danger now. He loops a finger over the top of his mask, pulling it free of his face and revealing the creature beneath.]

I have proven to be little else in my time here. I have created monsters and set them upon people who did nothing more than rile my temper. I have injured a man who was my friend, decaying his very flesh with the necrotic energy that festers within me. I am a blight upon this place, and I wonder now if I have been my entire life. Did I lie to myself this entire time, thinking I would do good if given the chance? That I would- that I would make my family proud despite everything? Is this all I survived for? All I am now?

From:

arcadedragon

[Turning the water off, Genji turns to regard Carlisle, his eyes flicking over the missing skin and bones visible in his face. After seeing his hands, he had expected something like that - but still, being confronted with it is slightly different and his eyes widen just a bit. ]

Even the best intentions can go awry - we can never be sure of the outcome of anything even if we may wish it so.

[Created monsters. Necrotic energy. It definitely sounds like what is afflicting this man is similar to what turned Reyes into Reaper. But he seems to be unable to control his energies and is suffering for it, because of what he had done to others, not what had been done to himself. Genji knows a thing or two about suffering and being consumed with despair and constant reminders of past mistakes.]

You survived for a reason, what you do with that is up to you, but if you wish to do good I am sure there is a still a way for you to accomplish that. Your energies feed on your emotions? Then you learn to control them, to focus only on that which you wish them to do.

[He reaches up to his helmet, fully pulling the visor free, eyes focused on that, now in his hand instead of Carlisle. Behind the mask he's horribly scarred, several deep gouges across his cheeks and nose that were inflicted long enough ago that the discoloration has faded, but not the damage. Metal plating continues down from his temples to form his jaw, a thin ridge through it where the visor would slide into place. When he speaks the scars on his cheeks crinkle at the edges, a constant reminder he can feel even while wearing the mask.]

You did not come so far to give up now and be defeated by despair. I believe you will find a way to make it right.

From:

abheirrant

[Those words are so familiar: you survived for a reason. Carlisle used to tell himself that all the time, always feeling the need to justify his continued existence despite his affliction. He would find that reason eventually, he told himself back then, and through his service to his goddess, all would be made clear. Pouring himself into his work, he hoped to find his place among his bloodline while appealing to the Clarity's mercy. He'd been so uncharacteristically optimistic about his healing, so proud of it; he was a failure in so many regards, but with his one talent, he would make everything right. Everything would be fine in the end, wouldn't it?

No, no it wasn't. It absolutely wasn't fine.

He can't say he ever did find his place, truly, nor can he say if his goddess had any pity upon him. He doesn't know if it's even possible now that he's worlds away from his home and his deity, existing as a monster parading in a human skin, afraid of dying again and being reborn as something even worse. Surely his goddess would be disgusted with him, with what he's become, with what he did. His father would be. What kind of a Longinmouth is he now? Was he ever fit to be one? Was there ever any hope, or did he suffer and cause suffering for no reason?

That spiral of embittered self-defeat is so easy to fall into, especially when it's ingrained in a Revenant's very being. He once felt that seclusion was the only choice for the good of the people of Bear Den, living alone in his estate rather than among them, but his isolation did him no favors when it came to battling his demons. It did even worse when it came to his actual death.

If nothing else, it is nice to hear someone has faith in him, even if he assumes Genji may be woefully overestimating his capacity for good. Given he disfigured one of the few people who would stand for him, Carlisle can't find it in him right now to believe in himself. He barely could when he was alive, using his abilities for prosperity and health of Bear Den; he certainly can't now that he's an affront to his former humanity.

Glancing Genji's way, he's honestly surprised by what's revealed when the mask is removed -- it seems they are both hiding something beneath their outer layers, scars and malformations that now define who they are. Genji has spoken before about overcoming his turmoil, about moving past it with the help of his master. Perhaps that's why he's so reassuring: he, too, has seen a bitter end, and has managed to move forward from it.

Carlisle isn't sure if he has such strength. Fortitude is more characteristic of other members of his bloodline: his brawny Uncle Boris, his stoic father, even his charismatic Uncle Benistad with his multitude of magics. Carlisle has always been a coward, content to live in their shadows, undeserving because of his affliction. He only stepped into the position as head of the estate because he was forced to by being the only Longinmouth left, and even then, it was with reluctance.

In short, he struggles with his self-worth. He has always struggled with his self-worth, and nothing that has happened since his awakening as an undead has changed that. He's afraid of what he is; he's equally afraid of what he could be if he doesn't get himself and all that entails under control.

His eyes are still on Genji when he finds his voice.]

What reason did you have? For surviving?

From:

arcadedragon

Revenge. Mostly.

[But he had waited a long time to exact it. He spent years in Blackwatch and then Overwatch before he returned to Hanamura and slew what used to be his clan. His family.

And it took him over a decade to confront Hanzo, his brother, who had been the one to murder him in the first place.

He'd told himself that he couldn't go after them until he had fully trained with his new cybernetics, he didn't want to have any complications. Kill every single member of the crime family he'd been born into, and then leave no trace. Because he was a ninja, he felt nothing.

It was actually Hanzo that had complicated things, returning every year on the same day to honor Genji, kneeling in front of the sword he'd used to end Genji's life. Or so Hanzo firmly believed, having no idea that Genji was still alive.

He claimed to have forgiven Hanzo, but he hadn't. He couldn't. Yet even the thought of killing Hanzo, of actually returning and dismembering him the way he had to his own brother, made Genji physically ill. He would never be able to strike him down.

The truth was that he was so reserved and quiet not because he felt nothing. But because he felt everything.]

And I have had it. But once acquired I am still alive, and time continues to flow forward. There is no stopping it. And death is easy, anyone can become dead. Living is the true challenge.

From:

abheirrant

[Time continues to flow forward, much like a river -- whether Carlisle learns to navigate the waters himself and move forward, or be drowned beneath their currents as he stagnates, mired in his misery and guilt, is up to him. Given he nearly threw himself into the Cottonmouth on more than one occasion, he can't say he's ever been much of one for trying to move forward. He has survived thus far, telling himself he had to keep moving, but had he actually done so? Had he changed? Was he not still embroiled in the same embittered despair he faced in life, made all the worse by his death?

The uncertainty of his future and his potential to make things worse has always kept him grounded. Genji's advice is good -- better than anything he would give, perhaps -- but Carlisle isn't sure he fully accepts it yet.]

I see.

[He'll have to work on it, as the alternatives -- being so burdened by his remorse that he crumples beneath his self-loathing, either bringing an end to his existence, giving way to a far worse creature like the Blight Heir, or both simultaneously -- are unbearable. As he said to Genji when they last spoke, it isn't easy being angry at oneself; these days, where Carlisle feels he has little value to offer, there is little but anger.

He offers Genji his mask, still reluctant to part with it.]

Is that what your master taught you?

From:

arcadedragon

That I learned from my brother.

[There's a wry smile on his face as he takes the mask and turns back to the sink.]

My master taught me the importance of tranquility. I spent so much time fighting, hating, being consumed with bitterness that I had forgotten who I was. And it was difficult to remember when I had this constant reminder that I was not the same person I used to be.

[He looks at his arm, retracting the panel over his shurikens for a moment and then sliding it back with a shnk sound.]

But I was not a good person to begin with. I don't want to be him again. It's better now. Even with all this, even with so many regrets and the burden of what could have been - I will make this better.

[He sounds determined, because he's definitely not there yet. There are days, even here, where he's so consumed with self loathing that he doesn't even leave his room. Not that it would matter because he's talked to so few people they wouldn't notice if he was alive or dead much less if he stayed hidden.

Both a curse and a perk of being a ninja.]

From:

abheirrant

I like to think I was once a decent person, back when I was still a person. It's hard to determine now if I was then. I lived so long in the shadow of my lineage with the guilt, and the remorse, and the bitterness that... my perception of myself is not what it ought to be.

[Especially now that when he looks in the mirror, all he sees is an abomination: a man who, once, was so consumed with bitterness that he forgot who he was.]

How do you keep moving forward? I used to believe things could be better, and that with enough dedication to my work and to my people, I would be absolved of my sins -- maybe even of my affliction and the dreadful fate awaiting me. Now, I wonder if I was a fool for having such faith.

From:

arcadedragon

You are never a fool for having faith in yourself and others. Without that we are bitter shells of who we used to be. It's the knowledge that I can change, the hope it will one day be better, even a little bit, that drives me forward.

I would not presume that I can be forgiven for ... many things I have done. But if I can forgive others, that is a burden lifted from them. I can at least offer that.

From:

abheirrant

[Carlisle sighs, feeling defeated; he's already a bitter shell of who he used to be, unsure if he can change for the better. After all, he's done nothing but change for the worse so far. He runs a skeletal hand through his hair, catering to old habits.]

And if you have no one left to forgive but yourself?

From:

arcadedragon

That is the hardest one.

[He may be full of tid-bits of wisdom and reasurring sayings from his Master's teachings, but there's only so far that can take him. Even now years later, he's not sure how much he has accepted himself or what he's become, he has good days and bad.]

I'm still not sure of it myself. I suppose you can only continue to move ever forward - distance and time certainly help.

From:

abheirrant

I hope so. That may be the only hope I have currently, but... I do hope so, truly. I would think things could not get worse, but history has proven me wrong on that time and time again. I am afraid to tempt fate further.

[He gives a slight bow from his seat, his head dipping low.]

Thank you for your advice, and your kindness. Only a few know what I truly am, as I fear most would see me as I see myself.

From:

arcadedragon

[He chuckles before responding.]

Never think it cannot get worse, then the universe will delight in proving you wrong.

[He knows from experience.]

You are most welcome. No one should be ashamed of who they are.

From:

abheirrant

I had plenty of reasons to be ashamed long before I became a monster.

[He sounds more disgruntled than sad about that, like it's a fact he accepted years ago. He elaborates, wanting to get away from how utterly hopeless he feels about the future by complaining about the past.]

My lineage is one I could not live up to. My father was an adventurer. My uncles, slayers of great beasts. Everyone in my line has been strong, or brave, or gifted with immense power, using their talents for the good of our home. They were hunters and heroes. Legends. And then there's me: clergy. A healer.

[Or once a healer, rather.]

From:

arcadedragon

My father was the leader of the entire clan. And I preferred to play video games.

[That's not the same thing, but he's also a failure in the eyes of his family. Yet another thing they have in common.]

What is wrong with being a healer? That is nothing to be ashamed of - you were helping people. I can think of no greater calling.

From:

abheirrant

[He was helping people -- an important distinction. Pleased as it may make him when someone speaks well of his craft, Carlisle can't help but be a little sour on it at the moment, given what he's done both in Anchor and in Bear Den. Healing may have been his natural calling, but his gift for it has backfired in a horrific way. He can't prove it -- even if he returned to Bear Den, everyone he could possibly ask about what truly happened to the town would still be long gone -- but why else would the Blight Heir be able to raise those around him into undeath unless he had the capacity for necrotic arts when alive? Healing and necromancy were two sides of a coin, opposing uses of the same energy.]

There is nothing wrong with being a healer. The problem is that I was a healer, much to my father's dismay. It was not what he had hoped for the only heir of our bloodline.

[Maybe his father was right: he would have been better off honing a different skill, any skill. At least then, maybe things would have been better once he passed, his Revenant being far less of an abom—

Carlisle shakes his head, knowing he will never assuage that guilt, and unsure if he'll ever learn to accept what he is now -- what he's become. It's difficult when he hardly sees himself as a person anymore, but he has to try. He owes those who still have some faith in him -- Genji included -- that much.]

From:

arcadedragon

What did he wish of you instead?

[He frowns, hanging the washed gloves and mask over a bar to start drying.]

Is this common for all fathers? Nothing I did was up to my father's standards either. Nor my brother's. Though he is the heir, not I.

[Genji didn't want it. Hanzo did. That seemed a simple solution to him. But apparently their wants didn't matter.]

Being skilled as a healer seems like something to be proud of. At least you did not run your family name into the sewers with parties and dishonorable endeavors.

[Like Genji did.]

From:

abheirrant

[Carlisle lets out a single, sad laugh; the idea of him ruining the Longinmouth name with parties is an impossibility, given his uncle Benistad's numerous liaisons, both romantic and otherwise.]

No, not with parties and dishonorable endeavors. I did my best to uphold my family's reputation in life, despite my affliction and my failings. It was after my death that my ran my family name so far into the ground that it might have been buried there. My father would have preferred I became a proper heir, someone who could fight and defend our lands from the scourge of the undead. Instead, I rose as one of them, as a being known as the Blight Heir. He could draw both the living and the dead under his thrall, and when the former died, unable to resist his whims, they were raised as well.

[His hands tremble; he clasps them together to still them. He hasn't talked about this so openly with anyone, generally unable to formulate how he feels about his having been such an abomination. So few realize he is undead, much less know what he became, and what atrocities he committed. He still wants to consider the Blight Heir as someone else entirely rather than accepting that the actions of his Revenant are a part of him now.

He cannot move forward until he accepts the truth, unfortunately. It's difficult, and he's sure Genji knows it. He, too, was once something he now resents.]

From:

arcadedragon

[Maybe it's better that Genji's dishonorable actions could be feasibly explained away as the folly of youth and a spoiled entitlement that came from being his father's favorite. He didn't do anything against his will, all his choices were his own. Even to become the cyborg that he is now.]

Were you aware of what you were doing? That sounds as if forces outside your control were at work.

From:

abheirrant

[Carlisle's eyes flick to Genji, his frustration with himself evident in a look alone; it mirrors that in his voice.]

Does it truly matter? Whether I was aware or not does not change what happened, nor does it bring back the dead. It does not erase from history the burden I placed upon those around me, the damnation of the Longinmouth name, the horrors I committed. But—

[And there is a but, one he didn't mean to let slip, but escapes in his irritation regardless. He continues -- no taking it back, either.]

... but I fear that, in accepting all that I've done, I will see myself as the monster I always believed myself to be. As more of a monster than I am even now. And- and I feel that, should that happen, I will lose what little humanity I have left.

From:

arcadedragon

Accepting what you've done does not doom you to that forever. If that were the case than no one would ever be able to change or grow - they'd become stagnant.

Do monsters self-reflect on what they have done? Is that not the most human thing of all?

[Granted Carlisle means a literal monster which is different, and Genji doesn't have all the context here. But if he can forgive his brother for cutting off all his limbs, then Carlisle can forgive himself for being cursed.]

From:

abheirrant

[He thinks to argue that he is already stagnant: he's dead, as unmoving as the water in a blighted bog; he considers bickering that he should be doomed to being a monster forever, for if those he wronged cannot change, why should he be allowed to? However, Genji brings up a good point -- not just that, but words it almost identically to something he said time and time again to those coming to confess at his church.]

Remorse is why we are not monsters; it is what separates us from aberration and undeath. Those which can feel are worthy of living, and therefore have a place 'neath her waking eye. [He smiles that lopsided grin, embarrassed and ashamed.] I would do well to remember such tenets, wouldn't I?

[But it has always been so much harder to follow his own advice than it has been to give it to others. They could change, but he was damned to languish on the border of life and death; they could be forgiven, and he couldn't. All the amends in the world would not save him.

... and yet, he did not give up trying to make them. Even now, undead as he is, he wants to still fix Kieran's eyes, despite the danger it poses him to utilize his energies in such a way; he wants to apologize to Pratt, though he fears rejection from someone whose opinion he genuinely cares about. He hopes Qubit can help him mitigate his abilities so that he is not a danger to everyone around him, stranger or otherwise. He has made some acquaintances, maybe even friends; he is legitimately trying to accept what he is so that he can move forward. Within his many layers and animated frame is a man who desperately wants to help, who wants to be more than he currently is.

He wants to be human, and regrets what the Blight Heir did. That should count for something, and would if Carlisle would allow it.]

From: